The Paleo Diet

So I understand that the latest diet craze is the Paleo Diet, where you only eat foods that would have been available to our ancestors. No refined sugars, breads, etc.
The concept doesn't sound that strange to me. What DOES sound strange, is some of the things people are calling "paleo".

Paleo Bacon-Wrapped Asparagus!

Paleo Waffles with Caramel Drizzle!

Paleo Lasagna!

THAT'S NOT A REAL THING.

I'm no archaeologist, but I'm pretty sure that cavemen weren't sitting around the dinner table munching on bacon-wrapped T-bone steaks with biscuits crafted out of almond meal and coconut oil. 

Go ahead and replace your whole wheat toast with bacon because it's "more natural". 

Can't wait to write your lipitor prescription, dummy!

The next person who posts a recipe for paleo enchiladas on Facebook is going to get punched in the neck. For realisies.

The paleo diet is dumb.

The end. 

My Breakfast Towel

Santiago and I get in my car one evening to go grab some dinner. He gets into the passenger side and has to move a bunch of dish towels that are laying on the seat.

"Why is your car covered in dish towels?"

I just look at him, because I know that the explanation of why I have 6 dish towels in my car is going to make him break out into hysterical laughter.

"Those are my breakfast towels"

He glances at the pile of towels and LOSES IT. Crying laughing to the point where he is inconsolable.
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So here's the back story:

It's a 45 minute commute to the hospital where I did my surgery rotation. That's a LONG drive! A drive where I could be doing other things. Like eating.

I have to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn to leave for the OR, so naturally I set my alarm for the last possible minute. This gives me 20 minutes to get ready and zero minutes to eat breakfast.

I HATE eating first thing in the morning. It's like I have an early morning ileus where my gut is hibernating and refuses to digest food.

But the thing is, I MUST eat breakfast or my blood sugar drops and I go crazy and want to die.

So I grab breakfast to-go.

And because I am a classy lady and don't want oatmeal goo all over my clothes, I would bring a towel with me.
To put on my lap and serve as an oatmeal shield. Or a bagel shield.
So that I don't drop molten hot cream cheese on my thigh while forcing food and coffee down my gullet.

Then, of course, I forget to bring the towels in when I get home.
My breakfast towels.

That time I passed out in the OR

Yeah, that happened.
I'm sure you remember seeing this picture posted on facebook on the first day of my surgery rotation:

It all started in the doctor's lounge at the hospital. We were getting the Dr's 7am pre-surgery Diet Dr Pepper. He casually mentions, "Oh, if you start thinking to yourself 'is it hot in here or just me?' then you're going to pass out. That's what they all say".

Psh. surgery is awesome! who passes out during surgery??
Everyone, apparently.

I scrub in for my first surgical case ever: a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. I don't really get to do anything but I'm excited because I'm all sterile and get to touch the forbidden sterile stuff.
I watch on the monitors as the surgeons locate the gallbladder and take down some adhesions. The case progresses slowly since this guy's gallbladder is so massive that it's hard to grasp with the laparoscopic tools. As I shift my weight around to get a better look, I can feel that there is sweat running down my back, and I think "huh, is it hot in here?"

And then I process that last thought and go NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT MEEEEEEE!!!!!

So basically I don't want to be the idiot student that passes out face first into a patient's bloody abdomen. I calmly ask for a stool to sit on so I can regain my composure. I sit down and continue to watch the case.

Then I'm dreaming. I can't remember about what. But then I start to hear my name in the background.
Stephanie!       Stephanie!      STEPHANIE!!!
I open my eyes and there are 3 nurses standing over me (just like in the movies).
and of course, my first thought is "fuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkk"
my second thought is "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"
They've ripped my gown off and put a pillow under my head. My scrubs are soaked through with sweat.
I don't even try to get up, I just lay on the floor of the OR with my arms crossed over my chest, pouting.  The floor of the OR is so nice and cold, it feels awesome.
My surgeon looks back over his shoulder to ask if I'm ok.
"Yeah, I can see the monitors much better from down here!"

Two nurses help me up into a wheelchair and they drag my sweaty butt out of the OR. I get a nice little bed in the recovery bay to hang out while my surgeon finishes up the surgery. I'd like to sleep, but instead I start puking. A LOT. (but not like ALOT)
*side note: chocolate banana protein shake tastes JUST as good coming back up as it does going down....

So the surgeon finishes up his case, expecting me to have made a full recovery from my fainting spell, only to find me sweaty and barfing my guts out. Drugs may or may not have been procured for me and I may or may not have received lots of IV fluids...either way, I felt much better 2 hours later.
*side note: Zofran is an AWESOME drug. totally unrelated. just sayin'.

All of the OR nurses came in to check on me and tell me about a time when they had passed out in the OR. It was so sweet! they brought me juice and puke buckets and cool compresses for my forehead. One of them made sure to tell me that I didn't break the sterile field when I fell over. NICE. So I didn't totally screw up.

I bought those nurses a cake. Because nurses love cake. And because it's better to be remembered as the girl who brought in the delicious bundt cake than the girl who got sicker than any other student in the history of OR fainting spells. 

¡Crap(s)!

Santiago and I built a Craps table. It is awesome possum! 

We did it all by ourselves and even used fancy schmancy power tools. 

Step 1: CUT THE WOOD! Probably the most important step. Try not to get sawdust in your eye. 

Step 2: Sand it down! Ain't nobody got time for splinters. 

Step 3: Stain it! This step is essential for making your craps table look AAALLLLLL classy. 

Step 4: assemble! Ikea ain't got nothin on us. 

Step 5: make it foldable! For easy transportation, naturally. We installed hinges and a handle because we were having a lot of fun with the power drill. 

Step 6: insert your groupon-acquired craps table felt. Attach with velcro. 

Step 7: teach your 8-year old kid to play craps. WINNING!!!

Working with Adults: Waaaaay more gross than working with kids. Seriously.

Kids come to the doctor because they have 1 problem:
- a cold
- a fever
- a boo boo
- they're peeing on everything

Adults in long-term care facilities have 78 problems (yeah, like all 78 at once):
- Liver failure
- Respiratory failure
- Heart failure
- Kidney failure
- Hypertension
- Diabetes
- Depression
- UTIs
- Pneumonia
- Fractures
- Traumatic brain injuries
- Strokes
- Bruises
- Medication interactions
- Failure to thrive
- Gait dysfunction
- Memory loss
- COPD
- Spinal cord injuries
- Cancer
- STDs
- Heart attacks
- Ulcers
- Leg edema
- Bed sores


YEAH. I know. These people are not happy campers. And they're not even that old! Half of my patients are my parent's age.

So here is my (wholly unsolicited) advice for all you young people out there: 
- Don't smoke. Seriously I will slap you. It's the number 1 stupidest thing a human being can do (#2 is not knowing the difference between their/they're/there)
- Don't ruin your liver. You kind of need it for EVERYTHING. (I'm not saying don't drink, because that is fun and makes family events 10x better.)
- Don't ride motorcycles. Mostly because it makes me SUPER nervous to drive anywhere near one.
- Don't get diabetes. Just don't. Already have diabetes? CONTROL THAT SHIT.


It all seems pretty common-sense, no? Those are the 4 main reasons these patients need 24/7 care.
And it seriously BUMS ME OUT.

It makes booger-crusted toddlers and screaming/pooping infants look SO good right now.

Recipe Time! Jalapeño Grits with Zucchini and Mushrooms

ERMAHGHERD.
I love this polenta. It's pre-cooked so all you have to do is fancy it up!

 Usually I slice and fry/toast it, but you can also re-constitute it and make grits! Not your plain-Jane-prison-food grits. Jalapeño grits!
And THEN (yeah, there's more!) you can top it with some sautéed veggies. 

Now, I forgot to take a picture, so you can stop scrolling to skip to the good part... just use your 

Disclaimer: you need to be able to do 2 things at once in order to complete this recipe.
Can you cook and drool all at the same time? I hope so.

1 tube pre-cooked polenta 
1 pack mushrooms
1 raw jalapeño (I used a big one, because I like to live dangerously)
2 medium zucchini
Butter/Olive oil/Ghee for cooking
1/2 to 1 cup milk
2 Tbs greek yogurt (or sour cream)
Shredded cheddar cheese (or whatever cheese you have handy)


Step 1: chop up some veggies. I personally like my veggies cut into cubes as opposed to slices. If you prefer slices, no judgement...it's just that your food isn't going to taste quite as magical. 
I sautéed my mushrooms and zucchini in some garlic and ghee (clarified butter - impulse buy at Whole Foods because I wanted to be a hipster chef). 
Sprinkle on a little salt if you are trying to keep your hypertension at a steady state.

Step 2: Cut up your polenta tube into smaller pieces and toss 'em in a pot on medium heat. Add milk and stir until it's a smooth consistency. I used a whisk to help break up the pieces. It's ok if it's kind of thin at first, because it will thicken up as it cooks. Add chopped jalapeño chunks and yogurt. Leave on the burner until it reaches your desired consistency. 

Ps: you've been keeping an eye on those veggies, right? I bet right now they are getting nice & soft and juicy....mmmmmm

Step 3: Spoon grits onto plates (bowls are also acceptable).
Top with veggies and shredded cheese. As much as you can handle. And if you can't handle it...you should probably GTFO. 

Step 4: NOM ON IT. you know you want to. 

The Joys of Working in a Germ Factory

Aka: Pediatric Clinic

Here's a fun fact: children are disgusting. 

They touch and pick and poke and sniff and lick and will put anything they can reach into their mouth/nose/ears. 

This is children in their natural state. They possess an innate ability to breed disease, and then sneeze it all over you. 

Children are the perfect vectors for disease because they are so damn cute. That's how they lure you in. They are so chubby and cuddly that you just want to SQUEEZE them! But alas, once you make contact there is no hope. You've been infected. 

Probably with the plague. 

Or some stupid virus. 

And not even the good behind-the-counter-meth-grade Sudafed can save you. 

Conversations with patients

It's always fun to start your day out with sick kids and moms that are off-the-handle craycray.

Here are some fun quotes from patients and their parents:

"I've been giving him non-drowsy Benadryl"  (ummmm that's not a real thing)

"Well, she [3 year old patient] was watching Doc McStuffins and said we needed to go to the doctor...so here we are!"   (great, and if Doc McStuffins told you to jump off a cliff??)

Parent: "She gets diarrhea when she eats dairy."

Me: "How long has this been going on?"

Parent: "About 3 years"

Me: "Have you tried restricting dairy products?"

Parent: "No....."

Parent: "I'm worried about his weight...how much should he weigh?"

Doctor: "Less."

(Patient had stepped on a pencil and had the tip stuck in her foot):

Parent: "I brought her in right away because I didn't want her to get lead poisoning!"

Me: "Pencils are made of graphite..."

Me: "There's something yellow in his ear...but it doesn't look like earwax"

Parent: "Dammit did you put playdoh in your ear again?!"

"Should he be farting this much?"

Me: "So what brings you in to the clinic today?"

Kid: "The school nurse said I'm obese and have diabetes"

Baby Names

I've been working at a pediatric clinic for the past 5 weeks and all I can say is

WTF PARENTS?!

I see about 15 patients per day. Of those 15 patients, roughly 12 of them have names that make me question the IQ of their parents.

Here are some REAL names of kids. Like, kids who are going to grow up into adults. Adults named Miracle and Jeramae (yeah, that's "jer-uh-MAY"...a girl's name, obviously)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
what happened to David, Amy, Melissa? You know, names I can pronounce.

I made a list because some of these names are right up there with Sandstorm, Bookcase, and Hat.

Shirah (disappointingly, this child was not a full-bodied red wine)
Joeyshy  (a biblical name, meaning "kick me")
Yessenia (one -r short of Yersennia, as in yersennia pestis, the causative organism of the mother-effing PLAGUE)
Kanon/ Cannon (yeah that's right, two alternative spellings of pirate weaponry)
Charisma (screamed at me during the entire exam while mucus spewed out of her tiny nostrils)
Yalexia (Yale meets anorexia = smart AND skinny!)
Amariyah (umm can you imagine incorporating this into a happy birthday song?)

Sorry if you or your loved ones are named one of these ridiculous names. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make whoever signed your birth certificate a total ass-hat (which, interestingly enough, is the predicted top baby name of 2014. it's unisex)

Important Edit: Audrey, one of my classmates, is on her Pediatrics rotation and shared a few more amazing names with me. Here they are:

Chevy (like the truck)
Chevelle (another car)
Tuff (like Ford tough....)
Mister (dad says "this way my son will always be shown respect")
Female (rhymes with tamale)
Abcde (pronounced ab-sit-tee)
Areiae (no clue how to pronounce this)
Dilaudid (mom & dad's favorite drug)
Chlamydia (mom thought it was a beautiful flower...maybe she meant chrysanthemum?)
Malli (pronounced like Molly)
Aceland (future hardware store owner)

Audrey's thoughts on weird kid names: "whatever happened to good strong saint names? like Thomas, John, Luke, Mark, Stephen, Peter, George....come on Steph!!"

BELLY FOOD

Beets are so fun and purple-y!
They taste delish (well, at least they do the way I cook em')
and it's always fun to play the "beets? or hematuria?" game  --> a good way to test your bowel function!

I lurve roasting beets in the oven with balsamic vinegar - they turn out tangy sweet and I could eat them by the fistful if it didnt make my hands all purple and murder-looking.
And I always seem to have carrots in the fridge that are wilty and sad that are no longer all that appetizing...

Roasted Beet-Carrot Salad with Polenta and Goat Cheese:  (this makes a LOT because I want to eat it in large quantities)
2-3 medium sized beets
3-4 ugly shrively carrots
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
1 oz herbed goat cheese
1 tube pre-cooked polenta (this may only exist at Whole Foods...who knows)
Baby spinach or mixed greens


Step 1: Scrub the beets. Nobody wants dirt in their salad. sick.
Step 2: Chop up some beets and carrots (yeah, those ugly ones)
The beets are gonna bleed all over, so make sure you are wearing your finest white linen pants while preparing this meal.
Step 3: Toss the beets and carrots with some olive oil and a generous amount of vinegar in a baking dish
Step 4: Roast at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes (Stir it up after about 30 min)
Step 5: Cut polenta into 1/2 inch slices. Brush with olive oil, salt & pepper. Broil 5 minutes on each side (I do this in the toaster oven while the veggies are in the oven)
Step 6: Put a handful of spinach or salad greens on your plate. Layer on the polenta slices, veggies, and goat cheese. you can even add more balsamic vinegar if you want, because it tastes effing MAGICAL.
Step 7: nom

you are welcome

MOAR FOOD

I love alfredo sauce. I love it's buttery creaminess. I don't even care if it's super fatty-rific. I want it sliding down my esophagus and coating my tummy with warm-comfy-pasta-love.

Buuuuuttt maybe I care a little

Alfredo sauce + greek yogurt is BY FAR so so so so much tastier than buying some nasty low-cal/low-fat sauce. Just cut it yourself! your cellulite will thank you later.

Green Chile Chicken Alfredo: (serves 3...because you'll want leftovers for lunch tomorrow)

1/2 C of your favorite alfredo sauce  (mine's Gia Russa)
1/2 C of nonfat Fage Greek Yogurt (the plain kind, duh)
1/3 C chopped green chiles
1/2 C chopped tomatoes
Handfull of baby spinach
1 grilled chicken breast, cut into cubes or slices (about 6 oz)
Salt, pepper, garlic to taste.
Warm it up in a saucepan until spinach is wilty, or eat it cold if you are some sort of psychopath.
Spoon that creamy goodness over 1 cup of your favorite pasta (capellini, of course)

Squash, Mushroom, & Bell Pepper Alfredo:  (serves 3, for leftover purposes)

1/2 C of your favorite alfredo sauce  (not from a dry powder...that is sick)
1/2 C of nonfat Fage Greek Yogurt
1/4 cup milk
1 medium yellow squash, chopped
1/2 yellow bell pepper, chopped
2 C chopped mushrooms
2 Tbs garlic (the pre-chopped kind in a jar because AINT NOBODY GOT TIME TO CHOP AND PEEL GARLIC)
2 1/2 cups Egg Noodles
Salt, White pepper, Powdered Mustard, and Paprika to taste
Chopped green onion for garnish.

Heat up some H2O (if you are a scientist) or water (if you are a commoner) and boil up them noodles.

Sautee up the squash, bell pepper, and garlic with 1-2 Tbs oil or butter or spray or whatever form of grease you desire. Add the mushrooms once the other veggies soften up a bit. Cook until tender.
Add the sauce components & seasoning, stir until gooey delicious.
Serve, Garnish, Nom. Go back to the pot and sneak seconds. It's ok. There's only 400 cal/serving.
GET SOME.

FOOD

I have been cooking some seriously amaze-ballz food lately and wanted to share so that you would be jealous of my sweet skills.

Quiche.
It sounds like a fancy Frenchman's brunch fare, but really it's just egg pie.
(kinda how like football should be called handegg)

The base is the same for whatever type of quiche I'm making:
Crust + Egg Mix + Filling --> bake @ 400 for 45-60 min = Slobbery Deliciousness

(higher filling:egg ratio --> ~45 min bake time.....higher egg:filling ratio --> ~60 min bake time)

1 frozen pie crust
6-ish eggs (you can sub out some for just egg whites if that's how you roll)
2 Tbs greek yogurt (I never have real milk in the house....just vanilla almond milk and that would not make for a winning combination)
Salt & Pepper

I like to layer my filling in the bottom of the crust then top with the egg mixture.

Possible awesome filling combos:
Green Chile + Cheddar + Bacon
Leeks + Goat Cheese + Mushrooms
Turkey + Habanero Cheddar + Tomatoes

The amount of filling is up to you. Personally, I only use the egg as glue to hold all of my bacony-cheesy goodness together...it is definitely not the star of this show.

Can I get an Om Nom Nom?!?!

Nutritional Info (yeah, seriously.)
Veggie Version runs about 280-300 cal/slice (assuming you cut the pie into 8 portions)
Bacon Version runs about 300-340 cal/slice depending on amt of bacon/cheese used.

Oatmeal? AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT.
Stick your fabulous quiche in the microwave and then subsequently stuff it in your face.

I just remembered that I have a blog

I was just thinking to myself, "Man, I wish I could tell people on Facebook about all the awesome stuff I'm doing without being labeled as an over-sharing crazypants"...and then I remembered I have this blog!
It seriously took me a while to remember what it was called or which email account I used to set it up. Oops...
So when I finally logged in for the first time since October 2011, I saw on the nifty little stats thing that my blog had occasional hits. I felt so bad for that person who keeps checking in to see if maybe, today'll be the day Stephanie posts something!
(I imagine this person looking like this:)

So, to avoid disappointing my one and only follower, I've decided to pick it up again!
Let the hilarity ensue.