Kids come to the doctor because they have 1 problem:
- a cold
- a fever
- a boo boo
- they're peeing on everything
Adults in long-term care facilities have 78 problems (yeah, like all 78 at once):
- Liver failure
- Respiratory failure
- Heart failure
- Kidney failure
- Hypertension
- Diabetes
- Depression
- UTIs
- Pneumonia
- Fractures
- Traumatic brain injuries
- Strokes
- Bruises
- Medication interactions
- Failure to thrive
- Gait dysfunction
- Memory loss
- COPD
- Spinal cord injuries
- Cancer
- STDs
- Heart attacks
- Ulcers
- Leg edema
- Bed sores
YEAH. I know. These people are not happy campers. And they're not even that old! Half of my patients are my parent's age.
So here is my (wholly unsolicited) advice for all you young people out there:
- Don't smoke. Seriously I will slap you. It's the number 1 stupidest thing a human being can do (#2 is not knowing the difference between their/they're/there)
- Don't ruin your liver. You kind of need it for EVERYTHING. (I'm not saying don't drink, because that is fun and makes family events 10x better.)
- Don't ride motorcycles. Mostly because it makes me SUPER nervous to drive anywhere near one.
- Don't get diabetes. Just don't. Already have diabetes? CONTROL THAT SHIT.
It all seems pretty common-sense, no? Those are the 4 main reasons these patients need 24/7 care.
And it seriously BUMS ME OUT.
It makes booger-crusted toddlers and screaming/pooping infants look SO good right now.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Recipe Time! Jalapeño Grits with Zucchini and Mushrooms
ERMAHGHERD.
I love this polenta. It's pre-cooked so all you have to do is fancy it up!
Usually I slice and fry/toast it, but you can also re-constitute it and make grits! Not your plain-Jane-prison-food grits. Jalapeño grits!
And THEN (yeah, there's more!) you can top it with some sautéed veggies.
Now, I forgot to take a picture, so you can stop scrolling to skip to the good part... just use your
Disclaimer: you need to be able to do 2 things at once in order to complete this recipe.
Can you cook and drool all at the same time? I hope so.
1 tube pre-cooked polenta
1 pack mushrooms
1 raw jalapeño (I used a big one, because I like to live dangerously)
2 medium zucchini
Butter/Olive oil/Ghee for cooking
1/2 to 1 cup milk
2 Tbs greek yogurt (or sour cream)
Shredded cheddar cheese (or whatever cheese you have handy)
Step 1: chop up some veggies. I personally like my veggies cut into cubes as opposed to slices. If you prefer slices, no judgement...it's just that your food isn't going to taste quite as magical.
I sautéed my mushrooms and zucchini in some garlic and ghee (clarified butter - impulse buy at Whole Foods because I wanted to be a hipster chef).
Sprinkle on a little salt if you are trying to keep your hypertension at a steady state.
Step 2: Cut up your polenta tube into smaller pieces and toss 'em in a pot on medium heat. Add milk and stir until it's a smooth consistency. I used a whisk to help break up the pieces. It's ok if it's kind of thin at first, because it will thicken up as it cooks. Add chopped jalapeño chunks and yogurt. Leave on the burner until it reaches your desired consistency.
Ps: you've been keeping an eye on those veggies, right? I bet right now they are getting nice & soft and juicy....mmmmmm
Step 3: Spoon grits onto plates (bowls are also acceptable).
Top with veggies and shredded cheese. As much as you can handle. And if you can't handle it...you should probably GTFO.
Step 4: NOM ON IT. you know you want to.
I love this polenta. It's pre-cooked so all you have to do is fancy it up!
Usually I slice and fry/toast it, but you can also re-constitute it and make grits! Not your plain-Jane-prison-food grits. Jalapeño grits!
And THEN (yeah, there's more!) you can top it with some sautéed veggies.
Now, I forgot to take a picture, so you can stop scrolling to skip to the good part... just use your
Disclaimer: you need to be able to do 2 things at once in order to complete this recipe.
Can you cook and drool all at the same time? I hope so.
1 tube pre-cooked polenta
1 pack mushrooms
1 raw jalapeño (I used a big one, because I like to live dangerously)
2 medium zucchini
Butter/Olive oil/Ghee for cooking
1/2 to 1 cup milk
2 Tbs greek yogurt (or sour cream)
Shredded cheddar cheese (or whatever cheese you have handy)
Step 1: chop up some veggies. I personally like my veggies cut into cubes as opposed to slices. If you prefer slices, no judgement...it's just that your food isn't going to taste quite as magical.
I sautéed my mushrooms and zucchini in some garlic and ghee (clarified butter - impulse buy at Whole Foods because I wanted to be a hipster chef).
Sprinkle on a little salt if you are trying to keep your hypertension at a steady state.
Step 2: Cut up your polenta tube into smaller pieces and toss 'em in a pot on medium heat. Add milk and stir until it's a smooth consistency. I used a whisk to help break up the pieces. It's ok if it's kind of thin at first, because it will thicken up as it cooks. Add chopped jalapeño chunks and yogurt. Leave on the burner until it reaches your desired consistency.
Ps: you've been keeping an eye on those veggies, right? I bet right now they are getting nice & soft and juicy....mmmmmm
Step 3: Spoon grits onto plates (bowls are also acceptable).
Top with veggies and shredded cheese. As much as you can handle. And if you can't handle it...you should probably GTFO.
Step 4: NOM ON IT. you know you want to.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
The Joys of Working in a Germ Factory
Aka: Pediatric Clinic
Here's a fun fact: children are disgusting.
They touch and pick and poke and sniff and lick and will put anything they can reach into their mouth/nose/ears.
This is children in their natural state. They possess an innate ability to breed disease, and then sneeze it all over you.
Children are the perfect vectors for disease because they are so damn cute. That's how they lure you in. They are so chubby and cuddly that you just want to SQUEEZE them! But alas, once you make contact there is no hope. You've been infected.
Probably with the plague.
Or some stupid virus.
And not even the good behind-the-counter-meth-grade Sudafed can save you.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Conversations with patients
It's always fun to start your day out with sick
kids and moms that are off-the-handle craycray.
Here are some fun quotes from patients and their parents:
"I've been giving him non-drowsy Benadryl" (ummmm that's not a real thing)
"Well, she [3 year old patient] was watching Doc McStuffins and said we needed to go to the doctor...so here we are!" (great, and if Doc McStuffins told you to jump off a cliff??)
Parent: "She gets diarrhea when she eats dairy."
Me: "How long has this been going on?"
Parent: "About 3 years"
Me: "Have you tried restricting dairy products?"
Parent: "No....."
Parent: "I'm worried about his weight...how much should he weigh?"
Doctor: "Less."
(Patient had stepped on a pencil and had the tip stuck in her foot):
Parent: "I brought her in right away because I didn't want her to get lead poisoning!"
Me: "Pencils are made of graphite..."
Me: "There's something yellow in his ear...but it doesn't look like earwax"
Parent: "Dammit did you put playdoh in your ear again?!"
"Should he be farting this much?"
Me: "So what brings you in to the clinic today?"
Kid: "The school nurse said I'm obese and have diabetes"
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Baby Names
I've been working at a pediatric clinic for the past 5 weeks and all I can say is
WTF PARENTS?!
I see about 15 patients per day. Of those 15 patients, roughly 12 of them have names that make me question the IQ of their parents.
Here are some REAL names of kids. Like, kids who are going to grow up into adults. Adults named Miracle and Jeramae (yeah, that's "jer-uh-MAY"...a girl's name, obviously)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
what happened to David, Amy, Melissa? You know, names I can pronounce.
I made a list because some of these names are right up there with Sandstorm, Bookcase, and Hat.
Shirah (disappointingly, this child was not a full-bodied red wine)
Joeyshy (a biblical name, meaning "kick me")
Yessenia (one -r short of Yersennia, as in yersennia pestis, the causative organism of the mother-effing PLAGUE)
Kanon/ Cannon (yeah that's right, two alternative spellings of pirate weaponry)
Charisma (screamed at me during the entire exam while mucus spewed out of her tiny nostrils)
Yalexia (Yale meets anorexia = smart AND skinny!)
Amariyah (umm can you imagine incorporating this into a happy birthday song?)
Sorry if you or your loved ones are named one of these ridiculous names. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make whoever signed your birth certificate a total ass-hat (which, interestingly enough, is the predicted top baby name of 2014. it's unisex)
Important Edit: Audrey, one of my classmates, is on her Pediatrics rotation and shared a few more amazing names with me. Here they are:
Chevy (like the truck)
Chevelle (another car)
Tuff (like Ford tough....)
Mister (dad says "this way my son will always be shown respect")
Female (rhymes with tamale)
Abcde (pronounced ab-sit-tee)
Areiae (no clue how to pronounce this)
Dilaudid (mom & dad's favorite drug)
Chlamydia (mom thought it was a beautiful flower...maybe she meant chrysanthemum?)
Malli (pronounced like Molly)
Aceland (future hardware store owner)
Audrey's thoughts on weird kid names: "whatever happened to good strong saint names? like Thomas, John, Luke, Mark, Stephen, Peter, George....come on Steph!!"
WTF PARENTS?!
I see about 15 patients per day. Of those 15 patients, roughly 12 of them have names that make me question the IQ of their parents.
Here are some REAL names of kids. Like, kids who are going to grow up into adults. Adults named Miracle and Jeramae (yeah, that's "jer-uh-MAY"...a girl's name, obviously)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
what happened to David, Amy, Melissa? You know, names I can pronounce.
I made a list because some of these names are right up there with Sandstorm, Bookcase, and Hat.
Shirah (disappointingly, this child was not a full-bodied red wine)
Joeyshy (a biblical name, meaning "kick me")
Yessenia (one -r short of Yersennia, as in yersennia pestis, the causative organism of the mother-effing PLAGUE)
Kanon/ Cannon (yeah that's right, two alternative spellings of pirate weaponry)
Charisma (screamed at me during the entire exam while mucus spewed out of her tiny nostrils)
Yalexia (Yale meets anorexia = smart AND skinny!)
Amariyah (umm can you imagine incorporating this into a happy birthday song?)
Sorry if you or your loved ones are named one of these ridiculous names. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make whoever signed your birth certificate a total ass-hat (which, interestingly enough, is the predicted top baby name of 2014. it's unisex)
Important Edit: Audrey, one of my classmates, is on her Pediatrics rotation and shared a few more amazing names with me. Here they are:
Chevy (like the truck)
Chevelle (another car)
Tuff (like Ford tough....)
Mister (dad says "this way my son will always be shown respect")
Female (rhymes with tamale)
Abcde (pronounced ab-sit-tee)
Areiae (no clue how to pronounce this)
Dilaudid (mom & dad's favorite drug)
Chlamydia (mom thought it was a beautiful flower...maybe she meant chrysanthemum?)
Malli (pronounced like Molly)
Aceland (future hardware store owner)
Audrey's thoughts on weird kid names: "whatever happened to good strong saint names? like Thomas, John, Luke, Mark, Stephen, Peter, George....come on Steph!!"
BELLY FOOD
Beets are so fun and purple-y!
They taste delish (well, at least they do the way I cook em')
and it's always fun to play the "beets? or hematuria?" game --> a good way to test your bowel function!
I lurve roasting beets in the oven with balsamic vinegar - they turn out tangy sweet and I could eat them by the fistful if it didnt make my hands all purple and murder-looking.
And I always seem to have carrots in the fridge that are wilty and sad that are no longer all that appetizing...
Roasted Beet-Carrot Salad with Polenta and Goat Cheese: (this makes a LOT because I want to eat it in large quantities)
2-3 medium sized beets
3-4 ugly shrively carrots
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
1 oz herbed goat cheese
1 tube pre-cooked polenta (this may only exist at Whole Foods...who knows)
Baby spinach or mixed greens
Step 1: Scrub the beets. Nobody wants dirt in their salad. sick.
Step 2: Chop up some beets and carrots (yeah, those ugly ones)
The beets are gonna bleed all over, so make sure you are wearing your finest white linen pants while preparing this meal.
Step 3: Toss the beets and carrots with some olive oil and a generous amount of vinegar in a baking dish
Step 4: Roast at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes (Stir it up after about 30 min)
Step 5: Cut polenta into 1/2 inch slices. Brush with olive oil, salt & pepper. Broil 5 minutes on each side (I do this in the toaster oven while the veggies are in the oven)
Step 6: Put a handful of spinach or salad greens on your plate. Layer on the polenta slices, veggies, and goat cheese. you can even add more balsamic vinegar if you want, because it tastes effing MAGICAL.
Step 7: nom
you are welcome
They taste delish (well, at least they do the way I cook em')
and it's always fun to play the "beets? or hematuria?" game --> a good way to test your bowel function!
I lurve roasting beets in the oven with balsamic vinegar - they turn out tangy sweet and I could eat them by the fistful if it didnt make my hands all purple and murder-looking.
And I always seem to have carrots in the fridge that are wilty and sad that are no longer all that appetizing...
Roasted Beet-Carrot Salad with Polenta and Goat Cheese: (this makes a LOT because I want to eat it in large quantities)
2-3 medium sized beets
3-4 ugly shrively carrots
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
1 oz herbed goat cheese
1 tube pre-cooked polenta (this may only exist at Whole Foods...who knows)
Baby spinach or mixed greens
Step 1: Scrub the beets. Nobody wants dirt in their salad. sick.
Step 2: Chop up some beets and carrots (yeah, those ugly ones)
The beets are gonna bleed all over, so make sure you are wearing your finest white linen pants while preparing this meal.
Step 3: Toss the beets and carrots with some olive oil and a generous amount of vinegar in a baking dish
Step 4: Roast at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes (Stir it up after about 30 min)
Step 5: Cut polenta into 1/2 inch slices. Brush with olive oil, salt & pepper. Broil 5 minutes on each side (I do this in the toaster oven while the veggies are in the oven)
Step 6: Put a handful of spinach or salad greens on your plate. Layer on the polenta slices, veggies, and goat cheese. you can even add more balsamic vinegar if you want, because it tastes effing MAGICAL.
Step 7: nom
you are welcome
MOAR FOOD
I love alfredo sauce. I love it's buttery creaminess. I don't even care if it's super fatty-rific. I want it sliding down my esophagus and coating my tummy with warm-comfy-pasta-love.
Buuuuuttt maybe I care a little
Alfredo sauce + greek yogurt is BY FAR so so so so much tastier than buying some nasty low-cal/low-fat sauce. Just cut it yourself! your cellulite will thank you later.
Green Chile Chicken Alfredo: (serves 3...because you'll want leftovers for lunch tomorrow)
1/2 C of your favorite alfredo sauce (mine's Gia Russa)
1/2 C of nonfat Fage Greek Yogurt (the plain kind, duh)
1/3 C chopped green chiles
1/2 C chopped tomatoes
Handfull of baby spinach
1 grilled chicken breast, cut into cubes or slices (about 6 oz)
Salt, pepper, garlic to taste.
Warm it up in a saucepan until spinach is wilty, or eat it cold if you are some sort of psychopath.
Spoon that creamy goodness over 1 cup of your favorite pasta (capellini, of course)
Squash, Mushroom, & Bell Pepper Alfredo: (serves 3, for leftover purposes)
1/2 C of your favorite alfredo sauce (not from a dry powder...that is sick)
1/2 C of nonfat Fage Greek Yogurt
1/4 cup milk
1 medium yellow squash, chopped
1/2 yellow bell pepper, chopped
2 C chopped mushrooms
2 Tbs garlic (the pre-chopped kind in a jar because AINT NOBODY GOT TIME TO CHOP AND PEEL GARLIC)
2 1/2 cups Egg Noodles
Salt, White pepper, Powdered Mustard, and Paprika to taste
Chopped green onion for garnish.
Heat up some H2O (if you are a scientist) or water (if you are a commoner) and boil up them noodles.
Sautee up the squash, bell pepper, and garlic with 1-2 Tbs oil or butter or spray or whatever form of grease you desire. Add the mushrooms once the other veggies soften up a bit. Cook until tender.
Add the sauce components & seasoning, stir until gooey delicious.
Serve, Garnish, Nom. Go back to the pot and sneak seconds. It's ok. There's only 400 cal/serving.
GET SOME.
Buuuuuttt maybe I care a little
Alfredo sauce + greek yogurt is BY FAR so so so so much tastier than buying some nasty low-cal/low-fat sauce. Just cut it yourself! your cellulite will thank you later.
Green Chile Chicken Alfredo: (serves 3...because you'll want leftovers for lunch tomorrow)
1/2 C of your favorite alfredo sauce (mine's Gia Russa)
1/2 C of nonfat Fage Greek Yogurt (the plain kind, duh)
1/3 C chopped green chiles
1/2 C chopped tomatoes
Handfull of baby spinach
1 grilled chicken breast, cut into cubes or slices (about 6 oz)
Salt, pepper, garlic to taste.
Warm it up in a saucepan until spinach is wilty, or eat it cold if you are some sort of psychopath.
Spoon that creamy goodness over 1 cup of your favorite pasta (capellini, of course)
Squash, Mushroom, & Bell Pepper Alfredo: (serves 3, for leftover purposes)
1/2 C of your favorite alfredo sauce (not from a dry powder...that is sick)
1/2 C of nonfat Fage Greek Yogurt
1/4 cup milk
1 medium yellow squash, chopped
1/2 yellow bell pepper, chopped
2 C chopped mushrooms
2 Tbs garlic (the pre-chopped kind in a jar because AINT NOBODY GOT TIME TO CHOP AND PEEL GARLIC)
2 1/2 cups Egg Noodles
Salt, White pepper, Powdered Mustard, and Paprika to taste
Chopped green onion for garnish.
Heat up some H2O (if you are a scientist) or water (if you are a commoner) and boil up them noodles.
Sautee up the squash, bell pepper, and garlic with 1-2 Tbs oil or butter or spray or whatever form of grease you desire. Add the mushrooms once the other veggies soften up a bit. Cook until tender.
Add the sauce components & seasoning, stir until gooey delicious.
Serve, Garnish, Nom. Go back to the pot and sneak seconds. It's ok. There's only 400 cal/serving.
GET SOME.
FOOD
I have been cooking some seriously amaze-ballz food lately and wanted to share so that you would be jealous of my sweet skills.
Quiche.
It sounds like a fancy Frenchman's brunch fare, but really it's just egg pie.
(kinda how like football should be called handegg)
The base is the same for whatever type of quiche I'm making:
Crust + Egg Mix + Filling --> bake @ 400 for 45-60 min = Slobbery Deliciousness
(higher filling:egg ratio --> ~45 min bake time.....higher egg:filling ratio --> ~60 min bake time)
1 frozen pie crust
6-ish eggs (you can sub out some for just egg whites if that's how you roll)
2 Tbs greek yogurt (I never have real milk in the house....just vanilla almond milk and that would not make for a winning combination)
Salt & Pepper
I like to layer my filling in the bottom of the crust then top with the egg mixture.
Possible awesome filling combos:
Green Chile + Cheddar + Bacon
Leeks + Goat Cheese + Mushrooms
Turkey + Habanero Cheddar + Tomatoes
The amount of filling is up to you. Personally, I only use the egg as glue to hold all of my bacony-cheesy goodness together...it is definitely not the star of this show.
Can I get an Om Nom Nom?!?!
Nutritional Info (yeah, seriously.)
Veggie Version runs about 280-300 cal/slice (assuming you cut the pie into 8 portions)
Bacon Version runs about 300-340 cal/slice depending on amt of bacon/cheese used.
Oatmeal? AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT.
Stick your fabulous quiche in the microwave and then subsequently stuff it in your face.
Quiche.
It sounds like a fancy Frenchman's brunch fare, but really it's just egg pie.
(kinda how like football should be called handegg)
Crust + Egg Mix + Filling --> bake @ 400 for 45-60 min = Slobbery Deliciousness
(higher filling:egg ratio --> ~45 min bake time.....higher egg:filling ratio --> ~60 min bake time)
1 frozen pie crust
6-ish eggs (you can sub out some for just egg whites if that's how you roll)
2 Tbs greek yogurt (I never have real milk in the house....just vanilla almond milk and that would not make for a winning combination)
Salt & Pepper
I like to layer my filling in the bottom of the crust then top with the egg mixture.
Possible awesome filling combos:
Green Chile + Cheddar + Bacon
Leeks + Goat Cheese + Mushrooms
Turkey + Habanero Cheddar + Tomatoes
The amount of filling is up to you. Personally, I only use the egg as glue to hold all of my bacony-cheesy goodness together...it is definitely not the star of this show.
Can I get an Om Nom Nom?!?!
Nutritional Info (yeah, seriously.)
Veggie Version runs about 280-300 cal/slice (assuming you cut the pie into 8 portions)
Bacon Version runs about 300-340 cal/slice depending on amt of bacon/cheese used.
Oatmeal? AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT.
Stick your fabulous quiche in the microwave and then subsequently stuff it in your face.
I just remembered that I have a blog
I was just thinking to myself, "Man, I wish I could tell people on Facebook about all the awesome stuff I'm doing without being labeled as an over-sharing crazypants"...and then I remembered I have this blog!
It seriously took me a while to remember what it was called or which email account I used to set it up. Oops...
So when I finally logged in for the first time since October 2011, I saw on the nifty little stats thing that my blog had occasional hits. I felt so bad for that person who keeps checking in to see if maybe, today'll be the day Stephanie posts something!
(I imagine this person looking like this:)
So, to avoid disappointing my one and only follower, I've decided to pick it up again!
Let the hilarity ensue.
It seriously took me a while to remember what it was called or which email account I used to set it up. Oops...
So when I finally logged in for the first time since October 2011, I saw on the nifty little stats thing that my blog had occasional hits. I felt so bad for that person who keeps checking in to see if maybe, today'll be the day Stephanie posts something!
(I imagine this person looking like this:)
Let the hilarity ensue.
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